A remake about all the dialogue that wasn’t in the original.
Or…one action sequence every half hour.
Or…the shot of him riding his motorcycle is longer than his exacting revenge.
Or…re-watch On Golden Pond.
I don’t know how the pitch for this film went, but I imagine it was something like, “OK, so we want to do a remake and instead of the totally kick ass cyborg arsenal of destruction reigning pay back all over the Detroit of the future, we’re going to build three sets and really dive into the dopamine inducing process of ‘Becoming Robocop.’ And it will star Gary Oldman.”
Basically this is a film that is in search of a reason to exist.
I know that sounds harsh, but my wife, who loves action movies, but wouldn’t have chosen to see this film if there was something better opening (and the LEGO movie didn’t make us feel like we should have our kids along for our Valentine’s date), turned to me several times and asked, “Is this supposed to be an Action Movie?”
**NEWS FLASH: Riding a Motorcycle is NOT action**
A whole hour goes by with only the inciting incident happening. A whooooole hour. I had enough time to notice that the person who plays the wife of RoboCop, Abbie Cornish, could play Belinda Carlisle in the GoGo’s movie. Then I thought about the fact that there wasn’t a GoGo’s movie. Then I thought about the fact that “Our Lips Are Sealed” would make a great film title (not the one starring the Olsen twins) and began to construct a story. If you are in the biz and are interested, leave me a comment, I’ll tell you more.
After I had imagined my way through the fourth act, they were still in the “How did I become a monster?” sequence. To top it off, the popcorn was nothing but micro-bits, but that was better than the beets that Portobello’s snuck into my salad earlier at lunch. Who sneaks beets into a salmon and portobello salad? Who does that? Is it the Great Depression?
See how I drifted from the popcorn to lunch? Sadly, that’s what you will do if you see this flick. What should have been a herald against capitalist imperialism was a countdown to hitting the bathroom on the way out. What could have been a warning shot over the bow of the ethics of man and machine, was merely the dull purr of an aging feline.
But seriously, I hear the LEGO movie is outstanding.